This may be the first day in quite some time that everything was pretty normal, by the book, ordinary. I love ordinary. Sometimes extraordinary…but the out-of-the-ordinary is getting old.

7:00am: Wake up and get ready for the day. Make Abby lunch. She’s sleepy and doesn’t want to go to school. We argue about whether or not it is acceptable to wear blue and white checkered shorts with a yellow shirt. As soon as I decide it isn’t worth the fight, she quietly changes her clothes. Since when do 5 year olds act like teenagers?

8:00am: Leave to take Abby to school. She seems ok with going now. No craziness from the ex.

8:30am: I go to the gym. I need to go to the gym. Makes me feel better. Excercise is a great stress reliever…or so I hope.

9:30am: Home again and sleepy. Oh how I hate being tired all the time.  My body must be royally pissed at me.

3:30pm: Get ready for work. Not wanting to go there…at all. That place is stressing me out unneccessarily.

12:00am: All finished with work. I’ve made very little money tonight, most of which I plan to spend on lemon drop martinis. Hang out with Stacia for an hour. It’s nice to sit. It’s nice to have no one asking me a million questions or needing anything.

1:00am: Head to Ron’s. Quickly fall asleep.

7:00am: Get up and get ready for the day. Make Abby lunch, get her dressed and brush her hair and teeth.

8:15am: Drop Abby off at school and head to the gym. Work out for a half hour. The eliptical is my new best friend.

9:00am: Head to mom’s to pick up a couple more boxes. I hate living like a vagabound. I have boxes everywhere…my life spread all over the city.

9:30am: Head to Ron’s. He’s excited to show me his new place post-unpacking. It looks really great and it’s nice to see him, even if it’s only for a few minutes.

10:30am: Head home. Sleep, sleep some more, sleep again. Not sure what my deal is. I’m so tired lately. I must be healing myself post-divorce.

2:45pm: Talk to Abby. She just got home from school and is excited to go to Skateland for a back-to-school party. But, of course, her dad needs money to take her.

4:00pm: Stop by to see Abby and drop off a little money. I’m always torn about giving that ass money, but Abby is overjoyed. I did the right thing.

5:00pm: At work, not really feeling it. The night is slow and steady. So annoying.

12:25am: We’re closed up and cleaned up. Stacia and I head to Fox and Hound for a quick drink. Lemon drop martinis. My favorite. Ron texts me. He is awake and wants me to come by.

1:00am: I get to Ron’s. He’s playing Bruce Springsteen music. He’s so cute sometimes, singing and listening to his music. I don’t remember much but falling asleep in his arms. I am happy and at peace and beginning to learn how to let go of all the stress. He’s helped me let go so much.

8:00am: Wake up to 10 missed calls. Get screamed at by crazy ex and rush out of Ron’s.

9:00am: Pick Abby up from her dad’s work. He has decided she shouldn’t go to school today. Moron. Oh, well. His bad decision gives me extra time with my sweet baby girl.

10:00am: Just hanging out with my little girl. Reading books, watching movies, playing computer games.

2:00pm: Practicing piano with Abby. She sometimes doesn’t like to play but I know she’ll appreciate it some day.

2:45pm: Go to piano. Abby has a great lesson. She’s learning very quickly and her teacher is happy with her. We just need to practice more.

4:00pm: Finish piano lesson and go to Dairy Queen. Abby gets a cherry-dipped cone, as usual. Not sure why she loves that, but who am I to judge her happiness?

5:00pm: Make dinner, watch TV with Abby.

6:00pm: Crazy ex has received the divorce papers in the mail.  Oops. He’s not happy, especially about the lousy hundred bucks he’s supposed to pay me in child support. Ridiculous. He yelling is short-lived and I continue on with my evening with Abby.

7:00pm:  Bath time, getting ready for bed. We watch Matilda…again…she is obsessed. I can’t think of a better movie for her to love to watch.

8:00pm: She’s asleep and I pass out too. I’ve been so tired lately. Can’t believe it.

6:00am: Get up, shower, get dressed, go over paperwork for the thousandth time, and pace, pace, pace…

7:00am: Call Megan. Tell her it may be a good idea to leave earlier, suggest she just stays home. I’m a big girl. I can go alone. She adamantly refuses.

7:45am: Megan and I leave to go to the courthouse. I’m so glad she came. There is a lot of traffic because President Obama was in the downtown area, near the courthouse, talking about healthcare reform. I know this sounds crazy, but being the Obama enthusiast that I am, I took this as a sign that everything would be ok.

8:45am: I find the room designated for default hearings. A very friendly woman greets me and goes through the paperwork that I brought. I was so nervous that I had forgotten or misfiled something. Then I’m instructed to wait in the courtroom. The judge is immediately ready for me. After asking me a few questions he determines that I will receive sole custody of my daughter, eventhough I requested joint. This is due to her father’s irradict behavior. I am overjoyed and Megan and I begin to cry. What a miracle!!!

9:45am: We leave the courtroom and I’m in a daze. I feel like I’m dreaming. We want to celebrate but our only option is breakfast. We go to Denny’s and eat to our heart’s content. We talk and talk and still can’t believe my good fortune.

11:00am: I drop Megan off and begin calling everyone. It’s such a happy and  joyful time. Everyone is ecstatic and relieved.

12:00pm: I sleep a little. I’m exhausted by the emotional rollercoaster I’ve been on the past few days.

1:00pm: I go to Tessy’s and watch the kidlets while she runs errands. They’re so funny and cute.

2:45pm: Abby just got home from school and is devastated. The dog she had been caring for is gone, and eventhough she only had her for about a day, she is crushed. Her dad, who does not yet know about the divorce, calls to ask if I’ll come pick her up. He doesn’t know how to console her.

3:00pm: I take Abby to SanTan Mall. We look at the puppy store and make a Build-a-Bear that looks just like her puppy. We name her Tasha. Abby plays at the kiddie area and seems to be in good spirits.

5:00pm: We head to her dad’s house, where I watch her on Monday nights while he takes anger management classes. I feed her dinner, give her a bath, and comb her hair.

7:00pm: We watch Ghost Whisperer, one of her favorite shows. It is beyond me how such a small child isn’t scared of those ghosts.

7:45pm: The crazy ex gets home and I head to Ron’s. We go to Kona Grill and I have my favorite drink, a mango mojito. Then we see District 9, which is very good. Probably the most innovative movie I’ve ever seen.

11:30pm: We head back to Ron’s apartment. I love the nights I get to stay with him. Besides the great sex, and we did have great sex tonight, I love sleeping next to him. I was married a long time and never remember sleeping next to Barry. I never wanted to. He was an annoyance. It’s sad really. So, I fell asleep early and slept so well next to him.

Sunday, 16 August

9:30am: Wake up…very slowly. Shower and get dressed.

10:00am: Leave to bring Ron to work and make copies of divorce paperwork at Kinkos. Realize I printed everything horizonatally instead of vertically. Recopy everything. Stop to see Abby on the way home. She has rescued a stray dog and is worried about feeding her properly. She has such a wonderful heart. I wish she could keep the dog. I know she’d take great care of her.

11:00am: Eat waffles with peanut butter for breakfast. Talk to Jenn about the struggles of life.

11:30am: Lay in bed. Apparently I’m feeling extra lazy.

1:30pm: Start laundry. Sit in tub while wathcing Weeds. I love the internet!

2:00pm: Organize divorce paperwork so that it’s ready for tomorrow’s courtdate.

3:00pm: Get ready for work. Really don’t want to go.

4:00pm: Shift starts. It drags on for what seems like an eternity. Mark and Robert make me laugh a lot…too bad the money sucked! And I had a number of panic attacks at work. Never seemed like I could catch my breath. Fucking stress.

12:00am: Meet for drinks after work. I’m tired but I need to unwind. Talk with Stan, Mark, Leighann, and John. Realize Leighann and I have more in common than I thought…thanks to the destructive nature of divorce. Realize that Mark and I are also similar thanks to the abuse of dads.

1:30am: Drive home, blog, get ready for tomorrow….sleep…I hope.

Saturday, 15 August

8:30am: Wake up…wait, what?!? I slept this late? Yes, yes I did. And it’s about damn time.

9:00am: Abby watches cartoons, I fill out divorce paperwork. We are planning to go to a movie with Elliott and Tessy, but Abby is calling me names and hits me. Enough. She is told we aren’t going and throws a huge fit.

10:30am: Abby has finally calmed down and is doing crafts. I am still working on the paperwork and have had a few panic attacks. Can’t handle the stress of not knowing whether my paperwork is right.

11:00am: Abby and I watch Matilda, twice. It’s so nice to snuggle in bed with her. I doze off and on. Quiet, peaceful afternoon.

2:45pm: Abby’s dad picks her up, I get ready for work.

4:00pm: My bartending shift starts at the Bees. I have a rather steady but slow night, make decent money. Nothing spectacular. Kim, Robert, and Scott close with me, which makes the night at least tolerable. I love to watch the boys make Kim embarrassed by their vulgar comments.

1:30am: Get done with work. Go and see Ron for a little bit. It’s nice to just lay in his arms for a little while.

2:30am: Go home, shower, get ready for bed. Write my blog.

3:30am: Watch Weeds until I fall asleep.

Day 2 was exhausting, although I imagine it is going to be par for the course soon enough.

5:30am: Wake up (I NEVER get up this early. Many times I’m only just getting to sleep.), take shower, get dressed, organize Abby’s school stuff, make Abby’s lunch, get interview paperwork organized.

6:45am: Wake Abby up. I can’t bear to think of her waking up with me gone. I get her dressed and do her hair. Wake Jenn up, who is gracious enough to take Abby to school for me today.

7:15am: Leave for 8am interview. Realize after I’ve gotten on the freeway that I need gas. Exit freeway, get gas, get moving. Now I’m running behind.

8:00am: Meeting with Virginia and Stephanie from Pearson. Very exciting stuff. I hope to get my first project soon. I can tell I’m going to enjoy the work and the colleagues.

10:30am: Leave interview with good feeling, head toward ASU. Realize crazy ex has sent me about 20 emails since I didn’t let him speak to Abby before school. He is threatening me as usual and claims that he will pick her up from school.

11:00am: Get to ASU office. Talk to Vicky and Robert about our future employment plans. Head to lunch at Tricks. Have a marvelous watermelon martini, beef tenderloin salad, and in the meantime broker a ceasefire with the ex.

1:15pm: Head toward Mesa, realizing that I will have to pick Abby up from school soon. Stop at mom’s to pass time. Brina is there with lil Miss Alex. We all go to Target and then pick up Abby from school. She is thrilled to see her grandma, aunt, but most importantly, her little baby cousin, who she calls cupcake. Stop at Sonic for cold drinks.

3:30pm: Drop Abby off at her dad for some swimming time (I’m too nice to let him see her…but truth is I’m exhausted). I go home and sleep for an hour, until he drops her off.

6:00pm: Abby helps Jenn give Max and Zooey a bath. So cute. She starts to get an attitude. I must fight with her to take her own bath and then, because she chooses to misbehave, we read a few books and it’s lights out.

8:30pm: By this time we are both asleep. A rather rare but miraculous occurence. She sleeps in her own bed again!

Thursday, 13 August

7:00am: Wake up, lay in bed, getting harassing phone call from ex-husband who can’t find Abby’s clothes

8:00am: Ron wakes up. We talk and have sex. What a wonderful boyfriend. Great way to start the day!

9:30am: Head home, fall asleep again. Not really sure why I fell back asleep. I slept a lot the night before.

11:30am: Wake up, notice text from Tessy. Try to call her back and get sent to Verizon who says my phone is shut off because I haven’t paid the bill (which I had). Call Verizon and pitch a fit, only to discover it was a banking error. Call bank and continue my rage.

12:00pm: Go to Tessy’s house. Eat Pei Wei, play with kiddies. Scarlett is attempting to stand up on her own. Naughty!!! She is only 9 months old but will surely be walking soon.

2:45pm: Pick up Abby from school and take her to the park.

4:00pm: Lie down and rest. Why am I so tired????

5:00pm: Abby’s useless father picks her up and needs money…again. He takes her rock-climbing. I lie back down.

5:30pm: Loser ex calls and says he needs more money to pay on MY violin, which is sitting in some ghetto pawn shop.

6:00pm: Abby gets home, making pizzas, watching 1st Cardinal’s preseason game. Stacia comes over to hang out. Anth and Jenn eat and watch too.

8:00pm: Game is winding down. Abby is looking at books with monkeys and dogs and naming them all after family members. Apparently I am a giant hairy baboon.

8:15pm: Crazy ex decides to call…over and over and over. I ignore the phone and get Abby ready for bed.

8:30pm: Abby decides to sleep in her own big girl bed. This is great news. She usually wants to sleep with me, which I don’t argue with since she’s living in a somewhat new house. I understand it takes some getting used to.

8:45pm: Crazy ex drives by my house honking and acting like a psycho. I call the cops…AGAIN. They say there isn’t anything they can do. I have to get another restraining order.

9:00pm: Resume getting Abby ready for bed. Watch part of School of Rock. She quickly falls asleep. She looks like an angel.

10:00pm: Jump in shower. So tired. Still need to prep for a big meeting tomorrow morning with a new possible editing client.

10:30pm: Blog

10:45pm: Next I’m going to watch Weeds until I fall asleep. Hopefully tomorrow will be as wonderful, minus the drama…sigh…

I’ve thought a lot about this lately. Searching my memories, plundering my daily activities…and I don’t get it. I’m getting divorced, and not just a run of the mill sort of divorce, but one plagued by restraining orders, threats, financial uncertainty, and daily hell. On top of all that, there is a precious little girl who has been thrown in the midst and my heart aches for her.

The conclusion that I’ve drawn from all of this is…YES!!!! I have a lot of stress in my life. But fuck you! Do you think I like living this way? I do not seek this tumult, this chaos, this despair. AND…if you’re feeling stressed by it all, guess what…I only tell everyone a fraction of the real shit that goes on.

Even when my situation was more calm, I’ve always been confronted by people who can’t deal with me. I work three jobs, I’m always going, never sleeping, working, running, going, going…Maybe, just maybe, I have unknowingly alienated people by just being me. Those that can’t keep up with me don’t want to watch as I outrun them, outdo them. But it’s not a competition. I don’t jugde those that aren’t like me…

So, I have friends and family that can’t handle me. And this is my favorite phrase…”I just can’t HANDLE you.” And I watch as they wait, hoping that another person will step in so they won’t have to. “I’m glad you’ve got _______, it absolves me of any responsibility.”

Here is my apology to you all. I am so sorry that my life stresses you out. It is my promise to not share with you any more of my pain, my sorrow, my confusion. But with the bad goes the good…you’ve all just lost me.

“…so if you ever feel neglected, and you think that all is lost, I’ll be counting up my demons, hoping that everything’s not lost…”

What has come of this anger, disdain, and contempt? Productivity. I edited a ton. I cleaned my car, my room, my laundry. Everything that’s been in the “I’ll get to it sooner or later” pile has been dealt with. I’ve been online all day getting shit done. So once again…FUCK YOU ALL!

I don’t need any of you…

“you better turn your head and run…there is nothing left to say to you…that you want to hear…that you want to know…I don’t know how I got so tangled…”